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Was God punishing me?
"Absolutely not.
We human beings create pain out of our own pain and it is up to us to get ourselves out of it. I prefer that explanation to the one that concocts an evil force which we cannot see and cannot control, or an explanation which says we must be evil or have done something wrong. The latter explanation certainly could not apply to people molested in infancy. It would be convenient to just blame the whole mess on God and wait for Him/Her to clean it up. But it's our mess and we have to clean it up.
Most people who have been severely abused will need to reexamine their ideas of God and how the universe works. However, in working with church officials to help my clients I have found that the doctrines of both religions (Catholic and Latter-Day Saints) recognize that victims of sexual abuse are Not to blame, that they remain pure; they are loved by God.
As an adult, I reformulated my ideas about God, with the help of my therapist and my own adult logic. I came to the conclusion that if God is good and kind and loving as the religions of the world teach, She/He could not be involved in anything as ugly and horrible as child abuse. I can believe, however, that humans who have been hurt and humiliated could take their hurt out on other humans, especially ones smaller and more helpless than they are.
Your present perceptions of God are based on the horrors of your abuse. It is important for your growth and happiness to give up your idea of God-the-Monster just as you have, hopefully, given up your childhood fear of the bogeyman under your bed. You have a fascinating adventure ahead of you; you have the chance to find out what you really believe, without anyone telling you what you should believe."
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