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Do I have to forgive my abuser?
"Certainly not, if by "forgive" you mean condone what your abuser did to you. "Condone" means to overlook, and you can never overlook the conduct that caused the magnitude of suffering you have endured. Nor can you forget it. Those acts are irrevocable.
But that does not mean that your abuse has to haunt you or be the focus of the rest of your life. You can let go of what happened and you can let go of the bitterness, anger, and pain you feel about what happened and about your abusers without condoning what they did. "Letting go" is the true meaning of forgiveness. You are not a God who absolves people of their "sins". You can only refuse to harbor the hate and bitterness which will ruin the rest of your life. Forgiveness is not for your abuser, it is for you.
You will know when your ready to consider letting go of your past hurts and of the feelings you have towards your abusers. In the meantime, it is important for you to recognize your right to your emotions, no matter how strong they are and how vengeful your thoughts may be.
The only danger is in holding on to your negative feelings for too long so they make you bitter and distrustful and poison the happiness which is available to you now. Once you have worked out your feelings, either by yourself or in therapy, you should feel substantially calmer. When you release the emotions, they usually evaporate. you won't have to work so hard to contain them anymore. that does not mean that you will never feel anger again.
Forgiveness is a matter of understanding--that deep down we are all abused children who hurt others when we feel hurt. Once we understand ourselves, we can understand our abusers and let go of the rage and pain that imprisons the happier child inside us."
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