|
| |
 Do you have an abuse problem?
Many abusers and abuse victims do not realize that they are, in fact, in an abusive situation. For a million and one reasons (more or less) people hide the abuse they see from themselves by rationalizing, minimizing, and justifying it so that it isn't abuse, it's something else. The main ways we lie to ourselves are what I call the
Three Horsemen of Denial: We minimize the damage we've done, we rationalize our actions, and we
justify ourselves in doing them. Through these lies we distort reality as we perceive it, we redefine the meaning of what we do, and we adjust what we consider to be right and wrong, in an escalating fashion. Ultimately,
any act, no matter how hideous, can be carried out once we have developed the necessary level of denial.
Rather than simply pondering the rather nebulous question of "Am I or am I not in an abusive relationship?" it is often helpful to look at some specific questions that can bring the abuse to light more subtly by getting past the minimizing, rationalizing, and justifying.
Try these for starters:
- Are you afraid of your partner?
- Do you sometimes feel like you have to walk on pins and needles to keep
your partner from getting angry?
- Has your partner ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed you?
- Has your partner ever pulled your hair?
- Do you ever feel like you deserve to be punished?
- Do you ever feel like you've done something wrong but you just can't
figure out what it is?
- Have you lost all respect or love for your partner?
- Is your partner very good to you most of the time -- sometimes
down right wonderful, but every once in a while very cruel or scary?
- Does your partner drive you crazy or make you feel like you're going crazy?
- Do you find yourself sometimes thinking of ways of killing
your partner?
- Have you believed that your partner would kill you?
- Have you been told by your partner that he or she would kill you?
- Has your partner threatened or attempted to commit suicide?
- Have you thought that suicide would be a good thing for you because everybody would be better off without you or if you'd never been born?
- Were you abused as a child?
- Have you ever done harmful things to yourself like cutting yourself, agreeing to do things you don't like, engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior, etc. because you felt like you should
be punished when things have gone badly?
- Have you been forced by your partner to do something you didn't want
to do?
- Have you lost all or most of your friends since you've been with
your partner?
- Have you put up with something that made you really uncomfortable,
or something that you really knew was wrong, because you love your partner?
- Do you feel isolated, like there's nowhere to turn for help, and that no
one would believe you anyway?
- Have you lost a job because of your partner?
- Have you ever "frozen" when your partner gave you "the look"?
- Do you feel emotionally numb?
- Do you feel like you have to say that you're doing okay even when you
really aren't?
- Have you ever left your partner or had your partner leave because of how you were treated, but later returned or allowed your partner to return after promises that it would "all
be different."
- Are you afraid to tell anybody about what's going on in your life
because you don't want your partner to get in trouble or go to jail?
- Have you ever had sex shortly after a violent episode?
- Have you ever been in a relationship where you could have answered yes
to these questions, but right now you're past all that?
- Are you certain that you're not being abused because:
- You fight back?
- You've never been hit?
- You've never been hit with a closed fist?
- You've never had to go to the hospital?
- You've never had a broken bone?
- You deserve what you get?
- You give as good as you get?
- Nobody ever treated you this well before?
- You're not like "those" people that abuse happens to?
- Do you feel that you are better or smarter than people who are abused?
- Are you certain that abuse is going to stop because:
- You're going to love your partner so much that he or she will stop
abusing you?
- Your partner has so much potential, and is going to change?
- Your partner is so nice to you when other people are around? or
- Your partner comes from a difficult background and is getting better all
the time?
- Are you afraid to ask for help because you're afraid that:
- No one will understand?
- People will say that you're:
- overly sensitive?
- whining?
- immature?
- making it up?
- trying to get attention?
- crazy?
- trying to get out of your responsibilities?
- unfaithful?
- lying?
- a wimp?
- homosexual?
- a man/woman hater?
- You deserve to be treated like that?
- You haven't been treated badly enough yet?
- Everyone you know will find out how much of a failure you really are?
- You don't want to tear your relationship or marriage or family apart?
- Do you find yourself agreeing with or giving in to your partner when you
don't really agree?
If you found yourself answering "yes" to several of the questions in either of the above lists,
even if you think there are good reasons for those "yes" answers, please contact the domestic abuse resources in your community or your local police department and let them know what the questions were that you found yourself answering "yes" to. They can help you determine whether you are in fact in an abusive relationship and let you know what your options are in finding help. Denying that there is a problem or rationalizing away the reasons you found yourself in either or both of the above lists will put you and your family in danger of escalating violence that
may lead to death. Ignoring the painful realities of abuse does not make them go away -- it helps them grow more painful and more ugly.
The first step in stopping violence is seeing it and taking responsibility for it. It is not enough to say "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." If that's as far as it goes, that's nothing more than part of the cycle of abuse -- the "Honeymoon" Phase. You must seek outside help from people who have experience dealing with domestic abuse issues and find a place of support before
the abuse will really stop. It may take you several tries to find the kind of
support and help you need. Once you've found it, you will be the one doing the work, of course, but that outside involvement gives you a much better chance of successfully breaking the cycle of violence that you're presently involved in.
Perhaps you find yourself in questions on both lists. This should be no surprise. Many abusive relationships have the abuse running in more than one direction, and most abusers have learned their abuse by experiencing abuse or watching someone else being abused. Your path will be difficult should you choose healing, as the available resources will want you to work on one set of issues or the other, and you may need to be dealing with both sets sometimes. However, if it keeps you and your family safe, it'll be worth the effort.
If you find a friend or family member on those lists, you may be wondering what to do with the knowledge that this person is abusing or being abused. The most important thing you can do is talk about it and not hide it, but there is a bit to learn about to make sure you aren't going to cause more harm than good. Some helpful things to keep in mind would include:- Safety must be the first consideration. No matter how "right" you may think you are to do something, if it puts your friend in a dangerous situation, then it isn't helping and could lead to death.
- Your understanding that your friend is in an abusive situation doesn't mean very much, because you aren't a party to the abuse.
- Your friend is still the same person he or she has always been, even though that may not be the person you thought you liked.
- Your friend's life is not your life, and your happiness is not dependent on his or her happiness.
- He or she is probably in denial about the abuse, even if he or she appears not to be.
- It's not your position to heal, punish, or save your friend. He or she will need your respect, support and listening much more than your fixing, advice or judging.
- Beating up on your friend's partner, whether verbally or physically, will only do harm, and may violate the law.
- Honesty and openness are vitally important, but keep some distance between being brutally frank and frankly brutal.
- Keep yourself safe and take care of your responsibilities. You can't help your friend if you throw your own life into crisis.
- Your actions speak much louder than your words. Giving your own life some scrutiny to see if you have some things you could improve about yourself, and then walking a path of healing and growth will go much further with your friend than any amount of sermonizing or lecturing.
- Please never do something for your friend that he or she could do
for himself or herself. People make sure that things which are important to them happen.
- Please do not tolerate intolerable behavior from your friend. Calling the police can be an act of love if it keeps you safe and starts your friend on the road to healing (prison can be an effective form of treatment).
Last revised 12:55:04, 8 February 1999
If you have any questions about anything in this page, or wish to contact me, please check my FAQ. If you need help immediately, please call your local Crisis Services.
*** Article by Blain Nelson
Owner, Blain Nelson's Domestic Violence/Abuse Page
Reprinted by permission, all rights reserved ***
 Back To Home Page
|
