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Help For Angry Alters & Self-Injurers
This page has some helpful answers to some common questions on angry and self-harming alters. It also offers helpful alternatives for insiders of MPD systems. We hope some of these techniques and Q & A's are useful to you. The little
butterfly graphic brings you back to the top of the page after each Q & A. If you would like to add any suggestions please email us. Thank you and keep yourselves and your systems safe.
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 Why Are Some Alters So Angry
Hateful?
Why Do Some Alters Self-Harm?
How Do I Help An Alter Who Self-Injurers?
Alternative Ways To Handle Anger
Alternative Suggestions To Replace Self-Harm
Why Are Some Alters So Angry?
Keep in mind that these alters have been through years of abuse. The ones who are the angriest and most hurtful are the ones who have been hurt the most. They develop a tough exterior in order to protect themselves from getting hurt again. Even though they will do everything in their power at first to push you away, these are the ones that need your patience, love, and support the most. They have been repeatedly lied to, misused, and betrayed. Their definition of love is one that is hurtful and misleading. Some alters carry the attitude: "hurt them before they hurt you". They have learned to trust no one and don't believe they can really be loved. Keep in mind though that this can be changed. All they need is love, understand, and support and plenty of time. They need to make mistakes and learn from them. Once they have someone who will not hurt them and truly cares for them, in time, they will start to lower their defenses and change. This doesn't happen overnight. It took years of abuse to cause this damage and it can't be reversed in a couple of days. Don't get discouraged and don't give up on them. Regardless of what they tell you, they need someone to care about them and help them through everything. The hatefulness and anger is just a cover, a way of protection.
Why Do Some Alters Self-Harm?
Alters self-harm for many reasons. Some self-harm as a means of control. For example: Since they are being abused, they can't control the abuse, they don't know when or if it will stop. But if they self-inflict pain they can control that and can make the pain stop anytime they want to. Others self-harm because they feel if they can feel the pain then they are still alive. It's their way of proving to themselves they are not dead. Another reason is to escape pain they cannot control. One other big reason for some self-injury is turning anger and hatred inward onto themselves. They want to punish themselves for something they believe was their doing or their fault. There are so many different reasons for self-harm that this list can go on for pages. These are just a few examples to give you an idea. Breaking the chain of self-injury is very difficult but can definitely be done. Alters need your understanding and support. If an alter self-injures don't ridicule them or preach on why it's wrong. Help them see other ways and encourage them to use alternatives. Occasionally an alter will slip and hurt themselves. It is okay to slip, just learn from it, and next time make a better choice. You have to fall before you can get back up again. It will take time to break the cycle but you can do it. For those who self-injure -- there is a better way. You have been hurt so much already you don't need anymore pain. It is time to heal the pain now. You don't deserve to be hurt. Please try to work on better solutions. When you hurt yourself, you also hurt the other insiders, the body, and the ones who care about you. We hope you find some of the alternatives helpful on this page.
How Do I Help An Alter Who Self-Injurers?
Be supportive. When an alter is a self-injurer the most important thing is to be honest with them and supportive. Make sure they understand that you are going to care about them and love if they do or don't self-injure. Never give an ultimatum such as: if you don't stop c*tting then I cannot be your friend. Sometimes if you set their attention to something else the urge to hurt themselves will pass. For instance: playing cards, watching a movie, going swimming. Something to get their mind off it, a distraction. Let them know directly that you are there for them if they want to confide in you. Show them you are concerned and want to know more about the situation and why they feel they need to self-injure. You don't want to forget to set limits though. As much as we want to help someone we cannot "fix" them. They have to want to help themselves first. You cannot change anyone or anyone's behavior. You simply provide support and other alternatives. Let them know you understand they are in pain right now and offer (don't force) to them other possible solutions rather than self-injury. If possible see if they will seek professional help. Lastly, if someone you know self-injured don't ridicule them or get angry with them for not taking your advice or for hurting themselves after they said they wouldn't anymore. You have to remember they have very little trust and have known no other way. This has been their relief to all these years of pain. It takes time to build that trust and reteach themselves. In time they will come around. Being a caring and supportive friend will mean a lot even if you don't think it helps. Just knowing you care means a lot to alters who self-injure although sometimes they don't show it. Let them know that when they hurt themselves and the body it hurts you as well because you care so much about them. Don't be afraid to be honest with them. The last thing they need are lies. Just be truthful and be yourself and things in time will start to get better. Its a long and bumpy road but you can do it!
Alternatives Ways To Handle Anger
Alternatives Suggestions To Replace Self-Harm Habits
Back To MPD Page
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